The thing I miss most when I have been sick 0r Chronicles of Don’s Fifth Kidney Stone

So what am I doing up at 3:30 AM drinking a cup of coffee? Well, it’s the thing I miss most when I have been sick. And I’m gonna make up for lost cups. (They say you can’t make up for lost sleep, but when it comes to coffee the future is just a chance to make up for lost cups).

Yesterday was a time out for a kidney stone. I can never pass those darn things, and they have to go get ’em. But I knew what I was in for – this is my fifth stone over the years. And you had better believe I knew what pain medication I wanted – and lots of it. The medical staff were surprisingly open to keeping me high all day. Usually you have to kick and scream. Maybe I had that wild Jack Nicholson look in my eyes from The Shining. (By the way, I just saw The Departed. Wow – it’s a gotta see movie – Nicholson’s great – and if you aren’t from Boston, this is how its looks, folks). Maybe Sharon had a .357 under her coat pointed at the staff all day long – “don’t mess with that man,” I can hear her say. So once I got in and got my meds (narcotics, as the nurses called them – it made me feel like I was in a crime movie), it wasn’t a bad day at all. I probably had a better day than most of you, in fact. And for those of you who think I’m not being sensitive to people who are in recovery, I AM IN RECOVERY!!!

I suspected for about four weeks a stone was coming (something wicked this way comes!!). But unlike my other stones, this one didn’t hit me in a moment. It snuck up on me. It drew out the pain as long as it could before it was discovered. It was like a senior stone had coached it how to make Don the most miserable possible. Past stones rose from the dead and gave this stone their powers and their collective wisdom. (“Attention, all stones – we call this meeting to order. Our first order of business is help this little stone here hide long enough so that it can become a big stone.) (I have always preferred to call Christ the Rock rather than a stone – now you know why – another issue for my therapist).

But now it’s over – I mean out. Over and out. There is a little recovery time here, but at least I am back to my coffee. I made some observations while in the hospital that I will share with you soon. I will change the names to avoid lawsuits and to protect the innocent. Meanwhile I am sitting at my computer enjoying a nice cup of coffee and oxycodene – this is what I call a great cup of coffee. (The next order I place at Dunkin’ Donuts – “I’ll have it black with two sugars and a dash of oxycodene.”)

2 thoughts on “The thing I miss most when I have been sick 0r Chronicles of Don’s Fifth Kidney Stone

  1. I had a great day!! While my boss was called away unexpectedly, I answered “yes” every time “are you sure you want to delete” came up on the computer,ate lots of jelly donuts and hung up on all the telemarketers.

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